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THE ADVENTURES OF MINYAN MAN

Scene 1: Like all superheroes, Mordechai’s parents launch their infant son toward Earth just as their home planet is about to explode (like all superhero home planets). As they watch the rocket sail away, the parents, in song, express their concern that the baby won’t learn to be Jewish.

Scene 2: The competition for Queen of Persia is a debate between Esther an Hillary. Believe me, neither Democrats nor Republicans will be offended, but the American political system takes a few shots.

Scene 3: Haman posts an edict preventing Jews from getting together in groups of more than nine. See where this is going? In song, tells why he thinks "Hebrews are Strange", using a classic tune by The Doors. His secretary warns Mordechai via e-mail.

Scene 4: Mordechai, while cleaning out his inbox, gets the message, and changes into Minyan Man (by removing his glasses). We hear his theme song.

Scene 5: Esther tells the King that she's Jewish, then does three minutes of "You might be a Hebrew if…". Together, they sing a disgustingly sweetsop duet praising inclusion and acceptance, to the tune of "With a Little Help From My Friends".

Scene 6: The chaotic Grand Finale. Unable to gather a group of 10, Jews sing "Nine is the Loneliest Number". Our superhero saves the day, and even gets the girl. Together, Minyan Man and Wonder Woman sing to gently offend Hillary, Barack, Rudy, Mitt, Al Gore, and of course, Bushie, to the tune of "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard".




THE DREYDELS OF PASSOVER

Scene 1: Vashti Steisand, a slinky lounge singer, introduces the story to the tune of "People"

Scene 2: King Achasueros, on a special edition of The Dating Game, (sponsored by Feldman's Motzoh*) selects Esther to be the new Queen. The other candidates are Jessica Simpson, Martha Stewart and Monica Lewinski.
*Feldman's is made with fiber, to keep you going all day.

Scene 3: Haman hires the Grinch (who previously stole that other holiday) to ruin Passover for the Jews by stealing all the dreydels from the manufacturer, Acme Dreydel and Greger. A group of Munchkins assists the Grinch. Mordechai overhears because Haman left his speakerphone on.

Scene 4: Mordechai rats out Haman and won't take twelve pieces of silver as a reward, saying it's a bit "too New Testament".

Scene 5: At the first big party, Haman sings his own praises to the tune of "Master of the House" (from Les Miserables).
...Favorite of the King
Hero near and far
He knows who the nudnicks
And the shnorers are...

And boy, is he surprised.

Scene 6: Esther sings about how hard it is to be Jewish to the tune of "Mairzy-Dotes and Dozy Dotes", and reveals her secret to Achasueros.

Scene 7: The robbery at Acme Dreydel & Greger! The arrests of Haman, the Grinch, and the Munchkins! Oh, the humanity!

Scene 7 1/2: The grand finale, lead by The King. Not Achasueros, The KING. Thank you very much.




SQUANTO TEACHES THE PILGRIMS TO FISH
(Running time: 45 minutes)

Scene 1: The Three Wise Men, lost (and blaming Mapquest), arrive and are invited to stay and watch the show.

Scene 2: The Board of Directors of Shushan Enterprises seals Vashti's fate when they discover she bought Imclone at 75.

Scene 3: Morty Chai, a Catskill style comedian, introduces the beauty contest to replace Vashti, and sings "What Do You Get When You Kill the Queen?"

Scene 4: Vashti Stewart, sponsor of tonight's purim spiel, introduces her product line, and sings her "Home Shopping Song".

Scene 5: A brief look at the beauty contest. Squanto appears.

Scene 6: King Achasueros, in a bar, laments his ridiculous name, sings "Why Can't They Call Me Woody?"

Scene 6: Bigthan plots to kill The King. An accomplice asks, "Who Would Want to Kill Elvis?" Morty overhears.

Scene 7: Morty reports the plot to Achasueros, who is watching Jerry Springer.

Scene 8: At Haman's campaign headquarters, his supporters sing "Vote for Alfonso Haman" while Mer-il, a stereotypical personality from your temple, rolls the dice to see when the Jews get it.

Scene 9: The first party honoring Morty. Boy, is Haman surprised.

Scene 10: Esther reveals her Jewishness, sings "Jewish in Disguise". The ghost of Vashti returns, as does Achasueros' mother. Haman gets his.

Scene 11: The grand finale, sung by the whole company to the tune of "Copacabana"